A WHOLE MESS OF UGLY! We here at the Daily Dirt spend much of our time pondering the ugliest aspects of the human race. It's a thankless, heart-rending task, but somebody's got to do it; and if not us, then who? The people who write for the Washington Times?! Hah! The very thought makes yer old pal Jerky piss blood from laughing so hard. But still, there is time for perspective, yes? After all, humans are only one of many species that infest the surface of this crusty magma ball we call Earth. Surely, we can't be the worst of the lot! There simply must be some animals out there that are more vile, disgusting, and just generally worse than the we are. And, in the interest of fairness to ourselves, it behooves us to point these fuckers out so we can mock and revile them, even if only to temporarily boost our own bottom-sucking morale. But the problem arises… what criteria does one go by? Because aesthetics is a time-honored method humans have always used to judge things - and because we don't know any better, and are strapped for time - we have opted to go the shallow route, basing our opinions on the YUCK factor. Ugly equals evil, basically. And you know it's true! Once the criteria was decided upon, we all set out to find the most heinous-looking creatures on the planet. We scoured encyclopedias, strip-mined the web, and even consulted eldritch, hide-bound tomes we will some day probably live to regret ever seeing. And we did it all for you. So you owe us. Big time. Anyway, here are the three animals considered by the Daily Dirt editorial board (and numerous outside consultants) to be the BUTT-UGLIEST BEASTS WE'VE EVER LAID EYES UPON! ENJOY!!! PAGING MISTER LOVECRAFT... TINY TERROR FROM THE DEEP… They say beauty is skin deep, but ugly goes to the bone. Where, then, to stop measuring the ugliness of a creature without a skeleton? In vampyroteuthis infernalis's case, we probably needn't worry… "never-ending ugly" just about sums it up. And while it would be nice to look at this creature's nomenclature as proof that not all biologists are humorless dweebs, such a conclusion isn't really justified. After all, what else could the unfortunate individual who discovered this Lovecraftian nightmare have named it but Vampire Squid from Hell? This thing is so disgustingly, disturbingly hideous, even Chinese people won't eat it! Here are a few facts about this thankfully rare creature: neither squid nor octopus, the Vampire Squid belongs to it's own family… Vampyromorpha! Only a foot long, proportionately, the Vampire Squid has the largest eyes of any animal in the world, and in keeping with today's theme, they're hideous, resembling nothing so much as giant, pink, skinned grapes. Instead of suckers on its tentacles, it has vicious little hooks to grab and rip its prey. And finally, proving that ugly is as ugly does, the Vampire Squid from Hell has one of the animal kingdom's most grotesque defense mechanisms… when threatened, it turns its asshole towards the aggressor and blasts out slimy loops of its own intestines at them! DEAR GOD… WHY?!? "POINT ME TO YOUR ASSHOLE!" NOT-SO-TINY TERROR FROM THE DEEP Perhaps the most pathetic-looking creature in the oceans, the Goblin shark is an extremely rare, slow-swimming shark. You know how drug companies have to test all their pills to make sure they don't cause birth defects? Well, the Goblin shark pretty much looks like something out of a pharmaceutical research technician's worst-case-scenario. Sporting the always-attractive color combination of splotchy pink and mottled grey, the Goblin's most distinctive feature is probably its mouth, which is unattached to the rest of its body, allowing the Goblin to thrust its tooth-ringed maw at - or, more disturbingly, deeper into - anything in it sees fit. Very little is known about this unusual and incredibly rare shark, but yer old pal Jerky can guarantee you one thing: if given half a chance, this fucking monstrosity will very likely sneak up and tear your delicious rectum right out from between your butt cheeks, coring you like an apple in an excruciatingly painful display of its contempt for the human race. I mean, seriously… just LOOK at it!!! "GAZE UPON ME AND DESPAIR, MORTAL." SATAN'S CROTCH LICE… It goes by many names: Sun scorpion. Camel spider. Wind Scorpion. Despite this, it is neither spider, nor scorpion. Like the Vampire Squid from Hell, above, this antediluvian freak belongs to its very own group: Arachnidan Solifugae. And it's all ugly. As huge as it is disgusting to look at, this desert dweller can be found pretty much anywhere there is lots of dry sand and heat, and wherever they are found, the locals invariably kill them on sight. But the most soul-shatteringly hideous incarnation is found in the Middle East, from whence many a Desert Storm veteran returned with horrific tales of these nearly foot-long land-lobsters chasing them down at ferocious speeds, climbing up their backs and inflicting serious bites to the face, neck and skull. While not poisonous, their jaws are extremely powerful, and they do have a taste for meat of all kinds… birds, rats and camels are all fair game for this Hell-spawned nightmare bug. What was Noah thinking when he let two of these incredibly disgusting creatures on the ark? What was God thinking when he created them?! AVOID AT ALL COSTS!!!

ON THIS DAY May 1 HAPPY BELTANE to all you mistletoe-sucking, frog-boiling, blood-sacrificing pagan motherfuckers out there reading this! Blessed be! Do what thou wilt and all that jazz!

QUOTES! "The police will be able to place a vehicle monitor on any vehicle, for any reason, and leave it there for as long as they want. There will be no requirement that the monitor be used only when probable cause — or even a reasonable suspicion — is shown, and there will be no time limit on how long the monitor will remain. In the future, innocent citizens, and perhaps elected officials or even a police officer’s girlfriend or boyfriend, will have their whereabouts continually monitored simply because someone in law enforcement decided to take such action." - Nevada State Supreme Court Justice Bob Rose - one of only two dissenting voices in the case - details the consequences of last week's decision allowing for unchecked monitoring of vehicles by Nevada police. *** *** *** "Robert, if you want to kill me, you must look into my eyes." - That's what history teacher Rainer Heise said to record-breaking high school rampage killer Robert Steinhauser last week, getting the disgruntled expelee to stop his rage-fueled slaughter just long enough for Heise to push and lock him in a windowless maintenance room where, after killing sixteen people, he eventually took his own life. Many Germans are blaming the videogame Counterstrike for the tragedy, which is pretty funny, when you think about it.

JOKES Today's first joke was sent in by our old pal Al Baker... A young boy goes off to college, but about 1/3 way through the semester, he has foolishly squandered what money his parents gave him. "Hmmmm," he wonders, "How am I gonna get more dough?" Then he gets an idea. He calls his father. "Dad," he says, "you won't believe the wonders that modern education are coming up with! Why, they actually have a program here that will teach Fido how to talk!" "That's absolutely amazing!" his father says. "How do I get him in that program?" "Just send him down here with $1000," the boy says, "I'll get him into the course." So, his father sends the dog and the $1000. About 2/3 way through the semester, the money runs out. The boy calls his father again. "So how's Fido doing, son?" his father asks. "Awesome, dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just won't believe this - they've had such good results with this program, that they've implemented a new one to teach the animals to READ!" "READ!?" says his father, "No kidding! What do I have to do to get him in that program?" "Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class." ...And his father sends the money. At the end of the semester, the boy has a problem. When he gets home, his father will find out that the dog can neither talk nor read. So he shoots the dog. When he gets home, his father is all excited. "Where's Fido? I just can't wait to hear him talk and listen to him read something!" "Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. This morning when I got out of the shower, Fido was in the living room kicking back in the recliner, reading the morning paper, like he usually does. Then he turned to me and asked, 'So, is your daddy still messin around with that little redhead who lives on Oak Street?'" The father says, "Oh, shit; I hope you SHOT that lyin' son of a bitch!" "I sure did, Dad." "That's my boy!" *** *** *** Today's second joke was sent in by our old pal Russ. A man walks into a T-Shirt store and on the walls there where three t-shirts on display for sale. The first row had the picture of Richard Nixon with a thin white mustache and below the picture it was titled: GOT MILK? The second row of shirts were the picture of Ronald Reagan with the white mustache and it was titled: FORGOT MILK... And the third was of Monica Lewinsky with a white mustache and under her it was titled: NOT MILK! WORST JOKE OF THE DAY Today's worst joke was sent in by Cindy A. At the cinema a man noticed a young woman sitting all by herself. He was excited to see she had both hands under her skirt and was fingering herself furiously. He moved to the next seat to her and offered his help. She welcomed his help, and so the man started fingering her like crazy. When he tired and withdrew his hand, he was surprised to see her go back to work on herself with both hands. Wasn't I good enough?" he asked sheepishly. "Great," she said, "but these crabs are still itching!"

JERKY KNOWS! Relationship troubles? Philosophical quandaries? Nagging doubts about your spouse? Jerky knows the answer! Send your letter to the feedback address at the bottom of the page: Dear Jerky; Regarding your "life" comments, there is no such thing! Becoz the very moment that the future meets the present it instantly becomes the past, therefore makin' these three phenomenon the allasame-like. 'tis all a big illusion and we are not here. Wotcha reckon pally wally??? Signed: Busker TOM I don't know if I can fully agree with you, Busker Tom. Contrary to your assertions, Alfred North Whitehead - who co-wrote with Bertrand Russell the ground-breaking Tractus Logico-Philosophicus - posited the notion that there is no such thing as past and future, but only a vital and ever-changing NOW. That isn't to say that time doesn't exist, however. Time is real. It is the transition from one occasion of experience to the next. But experience itself is inconceivable apart from before-and-afterness. We, as thinking creatures, require a settled past and an open future. An "eternal now" of past, present, and future coexisting in holistic fullness is neither possible nor desirable, as it is a denial of the reality of creative process. The idea of existence as singularity may be a comforting thought, appealing as it does to our inborn sense of nostalgia, but reality is chaos and flux. So, to sum up: Process is basic to any part of reality. It is also basic to all of actuality. Retrocognition, therefore, is sharpened awareness of part of what is within an occasion. There is no unilateral creation, by God or by any other experience. All creation is co-creation. Our task and privilege is to learn to co-create in the most conscious and effective ways. Understand?

READER'S SOAPBOX! Got a gripe? Pet peeve? Have your say in the Daily Dirt! Columns can pretty much be about anything, as long they meet the following criteria: 1) don't write shit that'll get us in trouble. 2) Keep it interesting. 3) Keep it short. 4) We don't edit your mistakes. Oh yeah! feel free to send a picture of yourself if you want. Today’s Topic: THE BONG-LOAD CONSPIRACY... Care of: ABC. MOPJ; Soda cans are made of aluminium. Bongs are illegal along the 'right' Coast. Therefore, many heads must use soda cans. We already know aluminium is not an ideal nutritional supplement. They dipped my rolling papers in dioxin and made me fix my T-master with Krazy Glue. Rember hash-under-glass? We'd be using our microwave ovens for that today. Twenty years from now, the reigning Bush heir will blame our tumors on pot. Weather manipulations? I do not know anything about chemistry, but I can make stuff up. Actually, we should have seen this coming years ago when the first cloud-seeding experiments were conducted. By the time we see the truth, the Triffids will have blinded and enslaved us. ABC [Egads! Methinks ye've already succumbed to the toxins, cousin! - Jerky]

Send all Jokes, Letters and other stuff to Jerky: feedback@dailydirt.com